One good turn deserves another

I did a good thing today.
We lunched at Jurong Point, and while waiting for the rest, I was glancing around and saw a feather duster (those multi-hued ones) on the floor. Apparently 2 ladies who just passed dropped it. I picked it up la pronto, and hurried after them. They were already on the escalator down and I had no choice but to follow-on retrospect I could've just left the thing on the escalator behind them and all they had to do was just walked a few steps back to retrieve it; but I guess all I had in mind at that time was to return the thing to them-they thanked me profusely and apologized for the same time: I had to ride the escalator all the way down and then up again...

Yesterday our 小妹 returned to work after one whole week on leave preparing for exams; all the ladies (except Jas) went out for lunch at Clementi. Stopped over at an Indian 'threading' shop before that, and took our turns. G went first; opting for facing threading; with every pull of the thread, her face twitched in pain, and her tears threatened to overflow...Ha ha ha...then it was Irene's turn doing her eyebrows, then my turn. I wanted to try and see what it was like...so I opted for facial threading. Boy was it fun!! It didn't feel the least painful like what G described. But I hated it when the Indian lady plucked out my 'sideburns' as well...although my face felt very smooth after that, I felt like the sides were...naked...to say the least...boy I hoped my sideburns grow back real quick!!

Today in the office...poor WP first received news that her precious, a Chihuahua, had breathing difficulties. Then by the time she received the 2nd call, the Chihuahua was dead. Poor girl was in tears at the news...and no little anger, to say the least. I was a little shocked myself, when I overheard the conversation, and I felt genuine sadness in my heart. I guess I feel for WP as well, and I felt that it was quite sad that a little dog passed away, even though I've never met him.

Well, I guess that WP never had to deal with the death of a precious dog before this (or maybe I'm wrong), but whatever it is, sure hoped that she gets over her loss soon.

And tonight was the 2nd last lesson dancing under the tuition of Gani, our current dance coach. Tonight's lesson was especially fun, as I felt I can do better with soft, flowy, graceful motions; rather than hip hop styles, hard, forceful expressions. The last part of tonight's lesson involved free-styling, innovation in slow, precise, concise movements. I especially enjoyed that last. Hoped that after next week, which is the last lesson, we will have more opportunities to dance with him again.

送君千里,最后一别

Reached the wake at almost 11am today, had my breakfast there and then just waited around for 12pm, for the procession to start. 师兄弟们都在等待, for they were to be the pall bearers. I think at least 1/2 the number of pple there to send B off are from 武术.

After the pall bearers lifted the coffin into the hearse, all of us followed behind for a short distance, before boarding the chartered bus. Then we were on our way to the Mandai crematorium. We entered one of the service hall where a short prayer ceremony took place. It was surprisingly short, from what I remembered of late uncle's prayer session. Perhaps it was the difference in religion or some such, as I heard that B was of Buddhist faith.

Shortly after paying our last respects, we adjourned to the viewing hall, where the coffin was first wheeled in, then placed on an automatic cart. Then it was wheeled into the roaring furnace, then the doors closed and we were barred from further view.

That was really the last journey for B in this life, in his physical form. 教练 instructed us not to cry, so the viewing hall was silent. But I could hear a sniffle here and there...including myself. As I stood there waiting and watching, the tears just flowed. Sigh, but I really felt pity for B...gone just like that, by his own hand, in the prime of his life. Until now the thought that he's gone, and in this fashion, just did not ring true; to many of us, so it would seemed.

晴天霹雳的消息

In the office today after lunch, I received an SMS from an old friend saying that B has passed away. I was shocked and read and re-read the message again: I thought I had gotten the name wrong, or read the message wrongly. But the message remained the same. A little while later another SMS from another old friend came, asking me to call him back urgently. And I did, la pronto...and...what I heard shook the ground under my feet, shifted my world where I sat. I kept asking what happened, and T said that he wasn't sure, and that B hung himself in the toilet. His body was found early this morning. 天啊...真是晴天霹雳的消息...真是无发相信...I was so shocked...for a moment I felt faint...of all people...

Although B and myself cannot be considered close, he was, after all, an old friend I grew up with, during a part of my life. We got to know each other when I was still in secondary school...and that was like...ages ago. That must've been like more than 10 years ago. I got to know him and the whole group when I enrolled for 武术 class. The whole group of us have trained together...went training camp together...laughed together...went out together...although we never kept in constant contact, we still see each other over the years during the reunion dinners that were held every year without fail. I think 教练 must've felt very shocked too...to think an able student of his...and of all people...I never imagined B would do such a thing. He was probably the last person on earth whom we would think would contemplate such a move. What must have gone through his mind just before he took his life? What must he have felt to take such a drastic move? Nobody knows, although some suspect....

I cannot imagine the horror his parents had to face, when they discovered him...I believe they were the ones who did...

Sigh...but for a moment there...I did feel tears at the edge of my eyelids...although I cannot honestly say I feel love for him as a friend...he was, however, still a friend of mine...and I feel really sad that whatever it was that had driven him to such a state, it must have really broken him. I thought I can imagine the terrible pain he must've been in, to move to take such a step...

Yet at the same time I felt the whole episode felt...surreal...it must've felt more so to the guys who met him just the night before he took his own life, becos it happened so suddenly, seemingly without any warnings. In my sadness, I also felt a momentary tinge of fear...fear that one day something beyond my limits to endure or comprehend may compel me to such a drastic (and foolish) move. Granted, I do not think that any of us want to take away our own lives; but I believe (as with this departed friend of mine), that at that moment in time sanity would have been teetering at the cliff's edge, before pitching over into oblivion; something so unutterably crushing that all the person wanted was to stop the pain, taking the only path and the only way he knew how to.

It made me wonder, that humans are really quite vulnerable at times, their 意志力薄弱. I wonder, with the advance in today's world, that human's mentality gets weaker.

It was really a great regret, that this friend could not sought solace in kinship or the friends that surround him...who could, at least, have pulled him back from the brink...of that I am profoundly sure.

A trip to China

Woah...I've prob been for leisure travelling more times in the past 2 months than prob anybody else I know...but hey!! Who's complaining? Certainly not me!!

21-28 Sept 06 (Above pic in Shanghai courtesy of my trusty K800i...neglected to get batts for my cam in SG...ended up couldn't find batts in China so for the first day depended on my K800i...不错吧?!!!)
Landed at Shanghai Pudong airport (can't rem what time leh...but I believe it was before 9am)...had breakfast in one of the hotels...and then went to Nanjing Road for a walk...most of the shops weren't open yet...so we only got to walk up and down the street...
We also strolled along Shanghai's 外滩...and saw 东方明珠 in the daylight...nothing impressive...wait till you see it at night!! Ta-da!!

We set off for Suzhou in the afternoon...bus journey took bout 2+ hours...and visited the silk factory...原来the silk worms only have a lifespan of 60 days!! After they reproduce...they will die... This is the factory where the silk cacoons have their silk extracted by machines.

Below pic are words on a stone written by ancient emperor Kangxi, when he went Jiangnan river.

This is Kangxi's seal...

游西湖...

What a spread!!

老翁抄龙井茶叶

A night of cocktails

SM's new Toyota...taken with my new K800i at the carpark of Ritz Carlton...this phone is amazing...vibrant colours...dynamic capabilities...for a phone cam...I think it's pretty cool...though I saw in a Korean show a phone that has a cam that looks almost like a digital camera...meaning zoom lens and all...amazing isn't it...

Hmm...yesterday night was the busiest of all...went to BP's cocktail at Ritz Carlton...didn't have the chance to have a decent dinner (sigh as usual)...I guess there were too many pple so was kinda distracted...met many new pple as well...

After that adjourned to Conrad...Perta's cocktail...when we reached the ballroom was almost empty already...met up with biz acquaintance and collected the sovenair when we left...which is a wooden name card box with selangor pewter insets....quite cool...

And last but not least...it's Raffles Hotel for SGS's cocktail...ballroom was still pretty crowded when we reached at after 10pm...the sovenair was a travel bag...quite cool also...

Fortunately I had a lift from an old friend...my legs were aching like nobody's biz after standing around for the whole night...

It's Appec Week!

*Yawn* jeez...felt totally strung out...been a while since I've posted something here...as Anth remarked the other day. Well...there simply had been nothing exciting to post about...and everyday is just the same...hee hee...monotonous!! But...I forgot to mention to Anth...'no news is good news' :P

Anyway...this week is Appec week...attended an industry poolside cocktail at Ritz Carlton on Sun night...when I reached, the mass of pple was like...milling all over the place...or rather...they were standing at every single space available...hmmm...it's also the same hotel that my idol...Korean star Kwon Sang Woo was staying....didn't catch any sight of him.... :D

and yesterday attended cocktail functions by 2 major players in the industry at Raffles Hotel...the turnout seemed to be higher than the past years...it's all the usual...meeting up with pple in the industry...the hellos and the catching up...did not even get a decent dinner as the place was so crowded and warm...

Gee...was so absolutely knocked out by the time I reached home...that I believed before my head hit the pillow...I was dead asleep...

And today there's another cocktail function to attend....and 3 more tomorrow....gee....it's only Tues today...wonder how am I going to get through this week....

Hmm...I really should take pictures with my new phone...and post them here...ha ha ha...the wonders of new technology....

Mastering the Secrets of Self-Attractiveness

Attractiveness: what is it?

We all find different attributes in a person attractive, we all have different ideas of what an attractive person is like, but there are universal elements of interpersonal style, or attributes that are broadly appealing to most.

Broadly speaking, most of us will find an attractive person friendly/approachable, caring, understanding, cheerful (always with a smile), good-natured, optimistic, non-critical/non-judgemental, etc. How many of us would want to associate with someone who is non-smiling, aloof, cynical, critical, bad-tempered, etc?

We know what we see in the other person that makes him/her attractive, we see attributes in the other person which appeal to us. But what about ourselves? Do we know what qualities we have in ourselves that make us attractive to others? Do we have those qualities? Do we know what kind of impression we leave in others? Is that the kind of impression we want to leave in others?

Most often, strangers form impression of others in the first 6 secs they meet, even though they may not have talked. Those impressions will be largely based on body language, facial expressions, certain nuances, etc. They notice what you say, how you respond.

Yet does that mean we have to be who we are not to exhibit those 'attractive qualities'? Do we have to compromise our own integrity, or personality to be attractive? Definitely not!! The more you try to be who you're not, i.e. pretend at it, the more you will come across as fake, or even worse, insincere!! That will only serve to be a turn-off.

A good impression is the one that reflects the real you, and presenting the best front of your real self, and not putting on a facade which was never you.

Fireworks Skating

Skated from Fort Road yesterday, and out onto the streets/roads all the way to the stadium to watch fireworks. On the way there, at Fort Road, as I increased my speed, my left leg wobbled and I fell on my tummy and I think I slided a short distance. I was winded and my tummy suffered the impact, as with my right shoulder. Both my elbows were scraped and bleeding and my right thigh suffered a slightly milder abrasion.

This was the first time I went on urban skate with the group, and I felt nervous, but not afraid. I was nervous cos we were crossing roads at traffic lights and small lanes, up and down bridges and across uneven pathways, not built for skating. My poor elbows were stinging all the way, especially when I splashed water on them to clean up the wounds (pity I don't have pictures here to show :D). On the way there, we stopped at MacDonalds (our first stop was KFC, but one of the staff, an auntie, told us not to enter as we were on skates). We had fun joking around and having fries and drinks, then promptly went on our way to somewhere outside the stadium. Once there, we didn't have long to wait, as the fireworks display commenced shortly.

What a sight!! We had clear, unobstructed view and the fireworks were so pretty! My favourite was the one at the end, where it looked like a shower of golddust raining down on us. I guess I liked that one cos each ribbon was very fine, and minute. And the whole design looked intricate, and delicate.

Luckily Chief Coach and Uncle Tay were guiding us all the way to and from the stadium, and occasionally JerBBear will marshal the road ahead and guide us as well (and he saved me from a head-on crash into the wall...ha ha ha). So all in all, I didn't suffer any more cuts and bruises and falls than I did on the way out from Fort Road. So all in all it was a good experience, and a thoroughly enjoyable one.

I am glad I went with them.

好想哭...怎么办?? 好累...

Was chatting with SM, and he mentioned he still keep in touch with her, but they talk less now. He said he felt less hurt than in the past, so he felt that he is already moving on. When I was chatting with SM, I suddenly had the urge to add him back into my MSN list, though I was very afraid of doing that. To retain or get back any kind of link, would be dangerous, to say the least. At least that's what many people have been telling me. Not that I intend to talk to him. But to see his name again, would be just as bad; as the thought crossed my mind I immediately banished it. But in the wake of that thought, was pain. And in the wake of that pain, was impending tears. I don't understand why, did that thought bring pain and almost-tears. My heart felt so heavy, so melancholy. I thought I was truly well and over it. I could even laugh and enjoy my activities, and looking forward to meeting new friends. But today the sun in my life seemed to be hiding behind clouds. At work was pretty ok, but coming home straight...perhaps I didn't keep myself busy enough this week with activities...heck...really don't understand this change of emotions. Perhaps the pain is still there...hidden...not as sharp as the beginning...but not totally banished yet. They said that time will heal all wounds; it is true, but my time is not long enough yet. How I wish it were though, so I don't have to go through all this...

5 Golden Rules...

A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term success.When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:

Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom line - and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:

Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust! i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:

Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions:

1. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?

2.Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So, ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? "Usually, a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world:

a) People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

b) Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:

How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following:

1. How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc?

2. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

3. Do they show respect? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you - who can't do nearly as much for them!

4. Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:

Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage...for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework. HOW WILL I KNOW IF I'VE MET THE PERSON I SHOULD MARRY? The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on "I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we're together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let's go get married". Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain. Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person.
This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions.
The decisions have to be made on solid considerations. Will this person be a good partner?
Is she mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family? Is he prepared to be a good provider? What is his track record? Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it? Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person?

They will, you know. Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents' character traits. You had better like your spouse's traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children. If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person, alone, with the task of raising and forming your children?
This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent.
If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person's influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person. Saying "This is right and that is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five" does not work. Small children ask about eight million questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children? Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control? Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong! There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable - illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel. There are also times when spouses, just get on each others' nerves. At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make themselves available to married men and women. Do you want someone who has never said "no" to sex? If he is not good at saying "no" at eighteen, it won't be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your Spouse is being faithful? These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person. None, if this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don't have to, "Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don't particularly like you I guess I'll marry you'.

You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however must acknowledge that this person as a good choice. Don't listen to your heart alone nor your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree.

My Horoscope Today

The Bottom Line
If you're waiting for a major change, it won't come unless you go and seek it out.

In Detail
If you want something (or someone), go out and get it. Avoid playing hard to get or pretending you're not that interested -- they're just silly ploys to hide your insecurities, and you're much better than that. Your drive is in need of a loud wake-up call, that's all. Shake it up and make the changes you've been hoping someone else would make. You know what needs to be done, and you know how to do it. If you act boldly enough, this day will offer you many accomplishments.

My Birthday!!

Yesterday, 13 July 06, was my birthday.

I was feeling a trifle melancholy a few days before that, at the thought that there'd be no one special to celebrate it with. I remembered when I was still with Ben not that long ago, I was thinking of how he was going to celebrate it for me. And I remembered feeling happy that this year, my birthday was going to be a little different. Well, I believe I am happier now out of the unsuitable relationship, even though it was difficult at first. I remembered thinking to myself that, with someone right, everyday will be a Valentine's day, or everyday will feel like my birthday *smile* But right now I am absolutely going to live life to the fullest and do whatever I had wanted to do but didn't get done all that time before.

Anyway, Jas initiated a lunch for me, but couldn't make it at the last minute as she had some urgent issues to resolve. Irene got Capt to come along and together with Pink and WP, adjourned to Crystal Jade Kitchen at Jurong Point. After lunch we all headed back to office as Pink cannot afford to be out for too long. When we reached office there were 2 bouquet of flowers waiting for me...and I knew who they were from even before I read the cards *grin*

But the flowers are pretty anyway, and I've never received 2 bouquet of flowers on the same day.

But I felt a little disappointed as my colleagues didn't get me anything this year, as we usually did for each other's birthday, so I can't help but felt the unfairness of it; and I felt a little hurt that they didn't bother.

The flowers were really lovely, and they really brightened up my day. But the rest of the day didn't feel much like my birthday. After work I met up with SM for a dinner (alas JL couldn't come along due to an impending meeting) and we joined sis and William for a movie-Pirates of the Carribean, The Dead Man's Chest-SM and myself tarried a little too long in finding an eating place, and we ended up having to take away sandwiches from Cafe Cartel. But the sandwiches were nice, though it was quite a mess and hassle to eat them in the cinema. We missed a little of the beginning of the show, as it had already started as we made our way in.

I hadn't exactly find the show really that fantastic: I still find the first show the nicer of the two.

After movie it was home sweet home.

Thursday, 6th July 06

Met sista at CP, went Courts to buy a phone. Was tempted to buy those cordless ones, but the cheapest one cost at least $89!! And the staff explained that nowadays all cordless phones use IC technology, meaning the phone cannot be left in the deck after the phone is fully charged, else the phone will be damaged. Unlike in the old days where cordless phones technology uses microchip, which made the phones more hardy. I liked a Panasonic model, but that particular model doesn't have LCD nor keypad lights, and another one that did, cost around $178!! In the end decided to just settle for a normal corded phone, that cost only $16.50, an Alcom model. Its design is simple and clean, and I like it! On the way out of CP, who did I meet but ZL!! My ex-secondary school classmate whom I haven't seen for years!! Was so happy and pleasantly surprise to see her there! She was with another ex-classmate whom I don't know, and both of us were chatting happily away. The whole of that day, I was feeling pretty lousy (and didn't understand one bit of it), but after stepping out of office to finally getting a phone (felt pretty happy bout it even though it wasn't any fantastic, cool-looking, expensive phone) and then chance meeting of ZL there, felt way better already. Promised ZL to keep in touch and organize a gathering for all old classmates...pretty good end to the day...

Friday, 7th July 06

Met sista at Yishun, went to the Chinese doc to have my wrist looked at. Been hurting for the past few days already. Let the Chinese doc did my back as well, as it was hurting the day before, although it wasn't hurting now. Phew...it hurt pretty much, when he was 'massaging' my back. Just gritted my teeth and let him do his job, but the worse was to come yet!! When he finally got down to look at my wrist, he massaged it real hard...but the worst was when he used a hammer on it!!! I really screamed then...gawd...and try as I might, the tears just welled up. He explained that he used the hammer to 'break' the knot inside my wrist, as the 'lymphatic fluid'? has gathered into a hard knot at my wrist over a long period of time and couldn't flow free back, due to overusage of my wrist. Gawd it really hurts like crazy. My poor wrist is now in a bandage and hurts more than before. Couldn't even move it properly now. And I still have to massage it myself everyday...sigh...so many injuries...hope it heals quickly.

Ha ha, after that we got BK and sneaked it into the cinema to watch Superman. Hmm...felt that the plot was so-so only, though the main lead, Brandon Routh was quite cute!! I still prefer the Superman drama serials and movies in the old days when Christopher Reeve was the actor. But a pity he's now gone, an iconic actor of the old days...the day

Hmm...but Keanu Reeves is still my fav, as I feel that he's still the coolest-looking of all. And Tom Hanks is another one of my fav actor, as he's really really very good, a character actor. He's so good that his acting actually bring tears to my eyes in 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'Terminal'.

All in a day...

2nd July-Sunday

Reached Fullerton hotel at around 10+am. I was there at the hotel to attend Henry & Shirley's wedding in the capacity of sista's partner. Hadn't really known the couple well, wouldn't have gotten a chance to go otherwise. Went up to the bridal suite...it was really fantastic. There were 2 levels in the suite; the lower level is the living room and work area, the upper level is the bedroom and bathroom level. Helped around best I could, at the ballroom cocktail area. Helped to put up tealight candles, and the picture albums and frames. And then ushered the guests in when lunch was almost commencing.

There's a floor area in front of the stage, where the couple danced a number after they walked-in. Buffet lunch was only so-so, variety was disappointingly few, and not really that exceptional for a 6-star hotel. Baby Jav was there!! Oh was he cute!! I think baby J is really really intelligent; he's only a year and half old, and couldn't articulate words yet, yet he understands what the adults say to him and he responded accordingly. Really intelligent and adorable boy...

After the lunch ended, we all headed up to the bridal suite. Changed into my togs and then it's off to EC!!

Reached EC at around 4+pm, waited for LGG to come back and hand my blades back to me. The bladers went urban skating to Changi beach and reached back to EC only near to 6pm. The other group of bladers (SKbladers) were there as well, in fact their group had quite a big turnout. Yesterday was really quite crowded. Really was quite happy to see so many familiar faces, even those who didn't go EC regularly also turned up. Had a surprise SMS from JY, who disappeared for so long, asking how I am, and asked when am I free to meet up. He headed down to EC after hearing that I'd be there.

When LGG came back, I went to his car to get my blades, and saw an ugly situation. When I reached the car park, I heard loud and insistent horning. Indeed, one of the driver was pressing on his horn relentlessly, without let-up. Saw a lorry in the opposite direction from other cars, trying to bully his way through. The car directly in front of him was reversing and yet, the lorry was keeping close to his bonnet, seemingly trying to push him into a corner. I turned away for a while and turned back a moment later, only to see the lorry's driver climbing back into this seat. Presumably he'd gotten out of his vehicle to threaten the other driver. He made a sharper turn then, and I reaslised he could've made that turn earlier, instead of keeping at the other reversing car's head. What a horrible person! The lorry driver then went on in a bad temper, only to threaten the other car in his way who'd blocked him, when he was the one in the wrong direction. Again the rude driver started horning insistently. Gawd...what a downright horrible person!! I felt angry seeing the driver behaving in such a tyrannical fashion and bullying the other drivers. Couldn't bear to see anymore, took my blades and headed back to the skate shop where others were gathered.

And then my colleagues: CK, WT, Pink and a few others. Felt so happy to have so many friends there! Sis and I started skating late, so by the time we reached back to Hvper the bladers have left already. Nick, Albert, sis and I were then debating where to have dinner and ended up at Kenny Rogers. Had a great meal and chit-chat session and then headed back to the skating ring. First time at the skating ring; practised my T-brakes. More proficient at it now. But then again, the floor's really smooth which made it easier to practise.

Realised only today that I left my Gucci shades at Hvper yesterday night, panicked when I couldn't find it in the box. Asked around and luckily, sunshine confirmed that my shades were being kept in safe-keeping in the shop. Sis went down EC today and viola!! Got my shades back for me. Thank heavens!! Else I'd have to spend another (not small) sum of money to get another one. All's well that ends well...

The Insensitivity and the Senselessness of it

The insensitivity of humans, I definitely do not understand any of it. Just yesterday at work, while the group of us were discussing the location for a chill out, apparently baldie was making some joke to tomboy via Yahoo, and tomboy laughed and blurted out to me the joke. Of course, I am the butt of the joke. When I heard the joke, I totally lost it. It was a downright tasteless, insensitive and degrading joke. How can anyone, any girl stomach that kind of joke? Besides, I'm still recovering from my past relationship. I'm mostly ok, but that doesn't mean I don't sting from digs like these. The gall of it, it went straight to my heart like a sharp arrow, the point cutting deep. If words are swords, I'd be bleeding right there and then.

As it were, my tears flowed out before I could stop it. Another colleague, WP saw something was wrong and asked if I was ok. That undid me; the dams just burst and the tears came flowing out. I wonder if, at another time, I'd just scold baldie back in mock anger; I believe my wounds are still fairly fresh. And baldie, being the originator of such tasteless and low-class jokes, really overdid it this time.

Not only did I hurt, I was seething with anger. I was so angry the only thing I could think of was to hurt them back. It kept going around in my mind, the things I would have said to them, to put them down, to humiliate them, to insult them, to put them in their place, to teach them a lesson. Whatever. Nobody deserves to suffer another's mocking, in whatever form it takes.

Over the past two days, I alternated between wanting to seek revenge in the form of hitting back, of defending myself, and learning forgiveness; trying to forgive them. I kept telling myself that baldie didn't mean it, and that he always makes jokes in these manner. But that didn't make the hurt go away. Nope it didn't, everytime a concern friend asked me about it, the moment I mentioned it, tears started welling in my eyes again. Sigh...the later 1/2 of this week hadn't been a good week at all.

First D mentioned the friend who walked out on me, and that brought the hurt back. Talking to him brought tears into my eyes. I hated myself for having so much tears, but, the hurt was just there, and the hurt translated itself into tears. Much as I tried to stem the flow, it just didn't stop welling up.

And then after that I had to encounter this unfair and hurtful event. I was so angry that when J called this morning asking how I was, I told her outright I wanted an apology from those 2 Mon morning, face-to-face. If they did something like this, they should at least have the courage to apologise. Even if they don't, they should be made to.

I surmised that I hurt so easily lately is becos my wounds have not totally healed yet. I have not yet totally come back to myself, although on most occasions I thought I did. But events like these only showed me that just a little is enough to trip me up, at the moment. I hope that I can recover my equilibrium soon.

If I have enough time left on earth only for one more thing, I will want to learn forgiveness. I realised that forgiveness is the hardest thing to learn, but when really grasped, forgiveness frees oneself. It frees the person from hatred and anger and all things dark.

I do not forget easily, and I forgive less easily. But I do, eventually, forgive. Only it takes some time. I hope that one day, I can learn to forgive and forget.

Everything that happened, happened for a reason. Every choice made, leads to other possibilities.

~Not having everything you want is a blessing in disguise; if you already have everything you want, what else is there to live for?~

Skin Looking Better?

Penang trip had been cancelled!!! So sad...was so looking forward to it...*sob* had wanted a getaway...now it's all gone...and even the Vietnam trip doesn't look optimistic...

Feeling bored with current job...no progress...it's time to move on...hope to have a new environment soon...

Went to 8-11 Clinic...slight improvement on skin...but not much on cheeks...but at least forehead has mostly cleared up...can't say the same for rest of the face though...so many scars...*sob* doc did the same treatment on my face...some kinda peel...but skin looks smoother after that...but only a matter of how long it can remain like that...damn comedones are so persistent!!

Ordered a tin of protein powder from 四姑...good old 四姑 asked me bout him...told her it's already in the past...well anywayz she said he's not worth it...and to move on and get myself involve in more activities...sure will!! Hmm...anywayz I think she needn't have worried...I guess I'm really more or less over it already...only thing is sometimes the painful memories come back...Duh...anyway...time to start consciously having early nights...enough water...enough fruits...tonics...have to take care of myself...health is definitely the most important...physical and mental health...damn I think my gastric's acting up again...better go see TCM soon...

I think humans really do take themselves and the things and people around them for granted...thinking those things/people will always be there...

Friday: 25 Jun 06

Feeling down when I stepped into office today...still coping with the breakup I guess...I'm mostly over it already...just that at moments the memories came back and caught me unawares...and then dragged my spirits down...or is it the memories dragging me down? Joined Ryan and gang at Union Square...whole ging-gang was there...even saw Jon and Gerald!! Was so happy to see familiar faces that I greeted Gerald warmly...dunno if he remembers me not...he seemed a little lost/taken aback/shy?? Ha...anywayz talked more with Roy...gosh he's really gorgeous...ha ha...he's really quite a funny guy too...hope he's dealing with his breakup well too...hope he can move on and be strong...like me...

Went to prata shop to have supper...more like dinner for me...sat opposite Roy...initially thought to sit elsewhere...God knows why I have to end up sitting opposite him...yeah yeah yeah...I know...he's gorgeous...but doesn't mean I have to be attracted?!! Anywayz...it was pretty ok sitting with the whole gang...with Jackie making jokes and teasing...oh and Joe and SM offered to pick me up...sigh...I really really have to be contented with good friends...only hope I can count on them as such...or maybe they have other thoughts in mind? Can't people do nice things for one another without some kinda motives??? But anywayz...not to say they're such...but nice of them to offer...really...declined cos it'd be too much of a trouble...but anyway Joe in the end didn't come cos it rained...

Saturday: 26 Jun 06

Supposed to swap with Jas...however last min she said no need...so proceeded with original plan...went back to Raymond to have my hair done...coloured it near to black...hadn't reckon on the colour being so dark...good in a way maybe...at least it doesn't look so dry...trimmed a little...but don't really like the cut...haiz...after that sis didn't go temple...so didn't meet with her and sista...felt very very lethargic...no mood to go anywhere...do anything...was kinda hanging there with no plans...damn xianz...went home...took a nap till 8pm...then 小姑 called...was downstairs with uncle and the babies...so went to join them for makan...and chatted with her...felt comfortable chatting with...felt my spirits lift after talking to her...made plans to meet Joe for drinks...asked sis to join us...he came over...all the way from Jurong!! Picked us girls up...joined him and the friends at Robertson Quay a nice little pub...where all the football fanatics were watching football...whiled the night away with drinks and pool and the gaming machine...

Sunday: 27 Jun 06

Rain!! Wet...gloomy...lazy morning...went to EC in the afternoon around 3+ after the rain stopped...met Pink there and had fun skating with her...but the inline kakis turnout that afternoon wasn't really fantastic...or were we late? Met Koh the 'Chief Coach'...ha ha...he skated along with us partway back...real nice guy!! Ended the skating session with makan session at Bedok 85!!! Ordered cockles...and 2 other types of shell food...wow...the guys were all like a pack of ravenous vultures...ha ha...in mins the food was all gone!! But it was fun though...to sit with them and eat and chit chat...and then it was home-sweet-home...great end to a fantastic day!!

Today

Felt a little down when I came home today...supposed to go down to EC...but wasn't decided...felt a little lazy to head all the way down...but sitting in front of the comp...made me feel the melancholy more and more...in the end just grabbed my stuffs and headed down to EC for a skate...enjoyed myself very much...took my mind off my sadness...though it wasn't really that cloying...unbearable sadness to begin with...just a tinge...but I hated it all the same...cos it wouldn't go away for good...anywayz...feeling really quite great now after a nite of skate!!

May You Be Blessed-Part 1

It feels like quite some time since my relationship dissolved, when in fact it has only been about a week or so. Been packing my weeknights and weekends with activities, so I won't have much time on my hand to think about it and then feel the sadness and pain. Don't think getting drunk is helpful...past 2-3 days I feel better already...although sometimes the memories come back and make me feel sad...right now even as I'm typing this...I'm feeling the sadness...a little...

Need to get involve in all kinda activities...and meet new people...I guess the only way to get over an old relationship is to start a new one...or get myself very busy...but to start a new relationship without fully letting go of the old one yet will be unfair to the new guy...well anyway...there's currently no one yet...though I do wish there is...

Went to the salsa club 2 nights ago with Ryan and Andrew...met Jackie...Raymond...and Roy!!! He didn't remember who I am I think...or my name...but he said I looked familiar...damn...not enough impression on him to remember me...anywayz after we got to talking...he remembered things about me!! And said that he heard I patched back with my bf...which got me to admitting that we have just broken up...and talking about it brought the pain back...I just started tearing...haiz...the sadness...he told me 5 months ago when I first met him...his relationship with his gf of 6 years had been ended for about 1-2 months already...and told me she found someone else...emm...not sure if he's over her already...pity if he hasn't...the ex-gf must've been very pretty...for Roy is not the average Joe-on-the-street...or even your slightly above average Joe-in-the-bar...ha ha...anywayz I think he's great to talk to...hopefully we can become friends...

Ryan taught me the basic steps of salsa and I danced with him as my partner...it was fun!! At least at that moment in time I forgot all my troubles and sadness...this was what I meant...I fell asleep that night exhausted but happy....felt happy and carefree the next day too...I think meeting up with friends is a good way to throw one's troubles away...though if they're pessimistic people might as well avoid them...

Confidence...and Courage

Been through so much ups and downs in the past 1 month...more than I have experienced in my life in probably the last 1 year...what else can it be attributed to but my relationship with Ben? Such a long and complicated issue...such bitter-and-sweet times we have been through...perhaps it was silly of me...but when I agreed to be together with him...I waited for him to bring up the matter of his religion...which he didn't...I hinted and stuffs...but still nothing from him...I should've think my hints were so obvious they should be like a red card flashing in his face...until finally I couldn't contain it...so I brought it up...before that I tried pulling away from him...but I felt so stressed up and so confused...because I felt that his not bringing it up was terribly unfair and secretive...not being very open about the whole situation...it put seeds of doubts in my mind about his integrity...I wondered would he have left it till the last minute when I was so involved I can neither reverse nor proceed...both ways would have left me in agony...so we talked at length...and he mentioned the conversion is only on paper...and after that we will be staying on our own and leading our own lives...or...if it really comes to it...he wouldn't mind the civil way...I was so happy and hopeful to hear that that I allowed the relationship to continue...and then early this week after a quarrel...I brought up the same issue again...and this time he said he couldn't do it the civil way...I was so upset and so hurt that I cried and cried...gawd my heart felt so tired having to deal with all these uncertain issues and his ever-changing mind...I queried him about it and he said his dad mentioned before that no matter what race he married...the girl must convert...and I was like...how come u have never said that before...and today when I spoke to him again I asked him...you have said before that you don't need to listen to what your parents said and that you lead your own life...you don't follow your religion...how come you cannot stand up for your own life? And he said he cannot run away from his identity becos that's what he is...a Muslim...and that yes...although his dad's wishes were such...it is him the issue lies in...cos ultimately he believed in his God...sigh...there were so many different versions to what he has said before and after that my mind cannot even process properly...and I asked him why is he in such haste to marry...and he said he don't know?!!! Gawd...I am really very very exasperated...this man wants to get married in a hurry...and he doesn't even know why? And he kept saying he doesn't have time...I tried to make him understand that a relationship cannot...should not...and must not be forced to hasten...speed will only rot it faster...sigh...honestly I think this man doesn't know what he wants...and he doesn't know how the situation will be like...but anyway...I see now that we can never be together...his religion now has taken a backseat...after all the considerations I realise that...even though I am not able to come to an immediate decision...there is a possibility that over a longer period of time...I may be able to consider it....but unfortunately...he doesn't have the time to invest in this relationship to strengthen its foundations....he doesn't want to waste time in this relationship when he thinks it won't lead to marriage...and yet in the first place he hid his real identity from me...thinking to try out the relationship...yet he obviously knew the end it will lead to...a conversion or nothing...isn't that such a contradiction?!!! Sigh...what a sad state of mind...it has become so much clearer to me that everytime we 'talked'...our views kept conflicting...our understanding runs parallel...never meeting...never understand each other....I guess this is the real reason why this relationship will not work out anymore...I guess trying to talk to each other further will only make us both more tired...

After today...I have regained a measure of my confidence and courage...although I guess it will take me a little longer to put everything totally behind me...I truly look forward to the day when I can be with someone who understands and who shares the same views and goals...someone who is patient and willing to give me time...

Inline Kakis BBQ@East Coast

Afternoon of 10th June 06, got ready my salad for the BBQ...hitched a ride with Thomas...by the time we reached the pit most of the gang was there already...boy are they enthus!! And then it had to rain??!!! But luckily the rain didn't last that long...had a great time...if not for the fact that I was in a state of confusion...at this time hadn't spoken to Ben for a few days already...couldn't bear not talking to him...so finally called him that night...but he was busy with his Indo counterparts...felt forlorn and isolated from him...

Tried as much as I could to enjoy...but I was only partly successful...anywayz...BBQ ended at around past midnight...was sooo tired by then...

So Much Confusion!!

Gawd...it's really killing me...all these thoughts in my head...and it's getting me nowhere but in circles...but I can't seem to stop them...all the doubts...where's the trust? The confidence? Is he supposed to make me feel secure? A feeling I should get just by being with him...associating with him? Isn't a guy suppose to make a girl feel that way? If not why talk about marriage???

So confused...really lost...dunno what to think...too many people with different views and different opinions...just why do I have all these unhealthy and errant thoughts? Maybe the shadow from my past's just too dense to be totally banished? Or is it fear? Huge huge fear of another LY with some other dark motives?

Sigh...sister said i'm not like what I used to be...I think so too...where's all my confidence gone to? Where's all my courage that whatever comes my way I'll be able to deal with it? Perhaps it's just not me...perhaps I'm in a relationship that doesn't suit me...maybe I'm just not suited to deal with probs like these...other things...maybe...or maybe I've never really been that confident at all...that everything was just a facade...

Sigh...feel as though more troubled times than happy times since I've been involved...or is it human nature to remember the bad times and the bad things?

Really...absolutely lost...can't see any light at all...don't even know what to do...to put more effort in or just get out...but getting out is said more easily than done...

Maybe I can just simply let this thing fade...and get on with my life...gawd...I'm so lost...even if I manage to sort out my jumbled thoughts...as long as I'm in this...after some time some other doubts will surface...at least that's what I feel...the trust and faith is not there at all...can't just ask me to trust blindly...isn't trust to be gained?

He called last night...and again this afternoon...hadn't wanted to answer his call last night...he asked me why...was I asleep? Initially I said yes...but decided no point in hiding my true thoughts...admitted I hadn't wanted to answer becos I was so so so confused...this is absolutely not the first time already...but sometimes his actions...his body language...made me feel so insecure...it's as if he's not an open and honest person at all...to me it's as if his body language suggests he's hiding something or not telling the whole truth...made me feel so uneasy...if you wanna hide something...why bother to tell me at all? Are you working to reassure me?

So tired...don't wanna think...don't wanna analyze...he doesn't bother to work harder to make me feel secure...doesn't bother to work hard to assure me that he can be trusted...so why am I here agonizing? So silly of me...

Could my intuition be telling me something? Like they said a woman's intuition is not to be taken lightly...

我也曾经遇过

Received a msg from SM...poor guy having trouble sleeping...haiz...what can I say...we're 2 persons afflicted with the same troubles in the same boat at this moment...well...at least I'm recovering my equilibrium...

True...Ben and I are 2 very different people...we have quite different goals...with him everything's always about work...for me I want to work hard...but play harder...I believe a person's life should be spent doing things she enjoys doing while striving for goals...concurrently...he wants to settle down...but I'm not ready to...not until I'm at least 2 years into a relationship...so I know what I want and how to work things out...I don't want to have to deal with the unnecessary things which can otherwise be avoided...but unfortunately...he doesn't seem to understand that...

SM...thinking makes you feel tired...doesn't it? Then tell yourself you don't want to think so much...try casting everything behind you...look forward...don't look back...don't worry about troubling me...like I told you...talking to you makes me put my own problems into perspectives...sometimes I get so tired thinking I just don't want to think anymore...I totally understand how you feel...I was in your shoes once too...you know...I was stuck in the rut...unable to save myself...for 2 whole years...before I started regaining the sight and the strength to climb out...

Give yourself time...Rome was never built in a day...sometimes we lose sight of ourselves...sometimes we lost confidence...sometimes we lose strength...give yourself time to grieve...then get it over and done with...you never stand alone...always remember that...you have friends and family and people around you who understand...to different levels...what you're going through...even if I can't fully understand or feel how you feel...at least I can remember the agony I went through when I experienced the same thing...and I don't want you to feel the same way becos I can remember how terrible that period was...

C'mon...you can do it...you know you can...just keep yourself very busy...and before you know it...it will be over...I should know it...cos I've been there too...

Voodoo!!

Bad start to an equally bad day...well actually...the day didn't end so badly after all...met with an equally confused headless housefly...ha ha ha...old friend...you know I'm talking about u...admit it...ur previous old old specs DO make you look like a housefly...

Head started hurting and swimming early in the morning...irritant...nearly drove myself crazy with all those errant thoughts...can't seem to control them...nor control my own emotions...seemed to be spiralling outta control...thank goodness for my old trusty friends around me...thanks sista...thanks SM...you guys rock!!

I believe I still have good karma after all...just that recently my good karma may have been clouded by some bad air...just when I thought I'm at one of the lowest points...friends actually started asking after me...Rick...thanks old friend...and banker PT...strange that 2 persons in 2 very different positions who have never met face-to-face can actually connect...I learned something from PT...to treasure and appreciate friends who're really worthy...and to access who's worthy or not...and to do things for them...sorry sista...din get anything for you from BK...I owe you one!!

Dear sista got for me a voodoo doll...cute cute cute!! Thanks!! *muak* love you for it...really touch my heart...

Skate Meet @ Paya Lebar Airbase

Skate meet! At Paya Lebar Airbase...gosh...had to drag myself awake at 5+am in the morning...what kinda ungodly hour is that to start doing stuffs? But it's ok...it's worth it...a once-a-year experience...

Reached the airbase by...7am? Thomas picked us up at bout 6.30am...had Mac breakfast then got ready all equipment...geared up to go!! Unstable on my blades still...but what the heck...it's do or die!! 'Sides I'm not alone...I have my dear sister with me...and all my caring kaki-bladers around me...YOU GUYS ROCK!!!

Skated 15km today!! Is that long or what?? Lucky my legs didn't give way on me...did quite well if I say so myself...practise...as they say...makes perfect...find myself able to glide...stability not consistent though...gotta concentrate!! Damn!!

Rained after we were in the car leaving the place...went Circuit Road for lunch...boy...was I ravenous!! But everything's worth it though...look at all the happy and satisfied faces!! Went back EC...but still raining though...those die-hard bladers initially still thought of waiting the rain out and get back on track...but just sat at Mac Cafe and chilled out...left for home to sleep...never had such a good sleep...really enjoyed this one...

A New Beginning

Cried so hard...never knew an old old friend could hurt me so badly...I didn't even betray her and she had to write those things that cut to the core...
Revenge...how could she believed it? If revenge was really what I wanted...something would have happened by now...that fateful day...everything was a blur...nothing like this has ever happened before...if an old friend couldn't understand...who could? Things would have been said in anger...
All those years when she was in Australia...when she wrote emails to me.A..when she called me...confiding to me her problems...I listened to her without fail...I responded to her emails late at night...those many years ago...when she was still a self-righteous hippie...I felt like I was always the target of her bullying...all the pinching and slapping...all the hitting...it drove me nearly crazy...told her off but I put up with it best I could...that fateful night when I was supposed to go KL with her but couldn't make it cos I left office at 8pm+ and was by then so sick...had to call her to tell her I couldn't make it...only ended with scoldings and a slammed phone...all the things I've put up with...and now I'm not even worth walking with just because of the things that happened to me recently to put me down...that made me turn negative in this period of time...things that brought me down...and the whining? How can it be justifiable??? What about all those years ago when she talked to me nonstop about her probs...about her family probs...shouldn't I call it whining too??
And a guy whose life she's almost destroyed...who is she to judge me like this? And I thought she may be angry becos of him...what do you really know or understand? I don't even understand or know what to believe anymore...
My new friends? What about yours?? My friends have always been activity partners...nobody that influenced me in any way...what about the countless friends you've been through??
No end to it...no point to go on...all perception...nothing is ever really right or wrong...if I had to suffer through a hurtful and harsh message like this and at a time like this...without even the courage to tell me straight to my face...perhaps this was what I should have done all those years before...and the finality of it...
I guess I should respect her decision...if this is what she wants...I don't understand the finality of it though...maybe she just wants to get rid of all the unpleasant things in life...even if it's an old friend...if this is what an old friend means...then it doesn't mean anything anymore...
Years on...I may forgive...but I'll never forget...how to forget those words??
Yet...I'm not totally without fault...not where she's concerned...but where he's concerned...things being said...the inconsistency of it...don't know what to believe anymore...
Doesn't matter...here is where I walk on alone...here is where I learn my lesson and grow up...here is where I learn to be stronger...Things change...people change...she's right...friends come and go...the past will remain in the past...the present will become the past...and so will she...
Goodbye dear friend...I will not fault you for your decision...even though I don't understand...remember you chose this path first...if ever one day we can sit down together...things will never be the same again...remember that you chose to burn your bridges...perhaps you just want friends around you who're always happy...remember nobody is always up...nobody can remain positive all the time...
Thank you too dear friend...for all that you have done for me...I have not forgotten and will not forget...

Call you? Never...didn't even know what was going on when you just started ignoring me...disappointed...so disappointed...perhaps you need to know you were never always right too...

Doesn't matter...henceforth not even the memories will remain...

Know that you chose to turn your back on an old friend...