Gawd...it's really killing me...all these thoughts in my head...and it's getting me nowhere but in circles...but I can't seem to stop them...all the doubts...where's the trust? The confidence? Is he supposed to make me feel secure? A feeling I should get just by being with him...associating with him? Isn't a guy suppose to make a girl feel that way? If not why talk about marriage???
So confused...really lost...dunno what to think...too many people with different views and different opinions...just why do I have all these unhealthy and errant thoughts? Maybe the shadow from my past's just too dense to be totally banished? Or is it fear? Huge huge fear of another LY with some other dark motives?
Sigh...sister said i'm not like what I used to be...I think so too...where's all my confidence gone to? Where's all my courage that whatever comes my way I'll be able to deal with it? Perhaps it's just not me...perhaps I'm in a relationship that doesn't suit me...maybe I'm just not suited to deal with probs like these...other things...maybe...or maybe I've never really been that confident at all...that everything was just a facade...
Sigh...feel as though more troubled times than happy times since I've been involved...or is it human nature to remember the bad times and the bad things?
Really...absolutely lost...can't see any light at all...don't even know what to do...to put more effort in or just get out...but getting out is said more easily than done...
Maybe I can just simply let this thing fade...and get on with my life...gawd...I'm so lost...even if I manage to sort out my jumbled thoughts...as long as I'm in this...after some time some other doubts will surface...at least that's what I feel...the trust and faith is not there at all...can't just ask me to trust blindly...isn't trust to be gained?
He called last night...and again this afternoon...hadn't wanted to answer his call last night...he asked me why...was I asleep? Initially I said yes...but decided no point in hiding my true thoughts...admitted I hadn't wanted to answer becos I was so so so confused...this is absolutely not the first time already...but sometimes his actions...his body language...made me feel so insecure...it's as if he's not an open and honest person at all...to me it's as if his body language suggests he's hiding something or not telling the whole truth...made me feel so uneasy...if you wanna hide something...why bother to tell me at all? Are you working to reassure me?
So tired...don't wanna think...don't wanna analyze...he doesn't bother to work harder to make me feel secure...doesn't bother to work hard to assure me that he can be trusted...so why am I here agonizing? So silly of me...
Could my intuition be telling me something? Like they said a woman's intuition is not to be taken lightly...
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