Been through so much ups and downs in the past 1 month...more than I have experienced in my life in probably the last 1 year...what else can it be attributed to but my relationship with Ben? Such a long and complicated issue...such bitter-and-sweet times we have been through...perhaps it was silly of me...but when I agreed to be together with him...I waited for him to bring up the matter of his religion...which he didn't...I hinted and stuffs...but still nothing from him...I should've think my hints were so obvious they should be like a red card flashing in his face...until finally I couldn't contain it...so I brought it up...before that I tried pulling away from him...but I felt so stressed up and so confused...because I felt that his not bringing it up was terribly unfair and secretive...not being very open about the whole situation...it put seeds of doubts in my mind about his integrity...I wondered would he have left it till the last minute when I was so involved I can neither reverse nor proceed...both ways would have left me in agony...so we talked at length...and he mentioned the conversion is only on paper...and after that we will be staying on our own and leading our own lives...or...if it really comes to it...he wouldn't mind the civil way...I was so happy and hopeful to hear that that I allowed the relationship to continue...and then early this week after a quarrel...I brought up the same issue again...and this time he said he couldn't do it the civil way...I was so upset and so hurt that I cried and cried...gawd my heart felt so tired having to deal with all these uncertain issues and his ever-changing mind...I queried him about it and he said his dad mentioned before that no matter what race he married...the girl must convert...and I was like...how come u have never said that before...and today when I spoke to him again I asked him...you have said before that you don't need to listen to what your parents said and that you lead your own life...you don't follow your religion...how come you cannot stand up for your own life? And he said he cannot run away from his identity becos that's what he is...a Muslim...and that yes...although his dad's wishes were such...it is him the issue lies in...cos ultimately he believed in his God...sigh...there were so many different versions to what he has said before and after that my mind cannot even process properly...and I asked him why is he in such haste to marry...and he said he don't know?!!! Gawd...I am really very very exasperated...this man wants to get married in a hurry...and he doesn't even know why? And he kept saying he doesn't have time...I tried to make him understand that a relationship cannot...should not...and must not be forced to hasten...speed will only rot it faster...sigh...honestly I think this man doesn't know what he wants...and he doesn't know how the situation will be like...but anyway...I see now that we can never be together...his religion now has taken a backseat...after all the considerations I realise that...even though I am not able to come to an immediate decision...there is a possibility that over a longer period of time...I may be able to consider it....but unfortunately...he doesn't have the time to invest in this relationship to strengthen its foundations....he doesn't want to waste time in this relationship when he thinks it won't lead to marriage...and yet in the first place he hid his real identity from me...thinking to try out the relationship...yet he obviously knew the end it will lead to...a conversion or nothing...isn't that such a contradiction?!!! Sigh...what a sad state of mind...it has become so much clearer to me that everytime we 'talked'...our views kept conflicting...our understanding runs parallel...never meeting...never understand each other....I guess this is the real reason why this relationship will not work out anymore...I guess trying to talk to each other further will only make us both more tired...
After today...I have regained a measure of my confidence and courage...although I guess it will take me a little longer to put everything totally behind me...I truly look forward to the day when I can be with someone who understands and who shares the same views and goals...someone who is patient and willing to give me time...
2 comments:
I maybe wrong but love does not compromise and one does not get married not knowing why?
Hang on or hung up? No one can give better advice than you yourself.
i think you're feeling really bad right now. i just hope that you will feel much better soon. the pain won't go away, im telling you. but soon, you'll just get used to the pain you are feeling right now. maybe you'll feel numb later. but it'll be over soon. take care.
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