Skin Looking Better?

Penang trip had been cancelled!!! So sad...was so looking forward to it...*sob* had wanted a getaway...now it's all gone...and even the Vietnam trip doesn't look optimistic...

Feeling bored with current job...no progress...it's time to move on...hope to have a new environment soon...

Went to 8-11 Clinic...slight improvement on skin...but not much on cheeks...but at least forehead has mostly cleared up...can't say the same for rest of the face though...so many scars...*sob* doc did the same treatment on my face...some kinda peel...but skin looks smoother after that...but only a matter of how long it can remain like that...damn comedones are so persistent!!

Ordered a tin of protein powder from 四姑...good old 四姑 asked me bout him...told her it's already in the past...well anywayz she said he's not worth it...and to move on and get myself involve in more activities...sure will!! Hmm...anywayz I think she needn't have worried...I guess I'm really more or less over it already...only thing is sometimes the painful memories come back...Duh...anyway...time to start consciously having early nights...enough water...enough fruits...tonics...have to take care of myself...health is definitely the most important...physical and mental health...damn I think my gastric's acting up again...better go see TCM soon...

I think humans really do take themselves and the things and people around them for granted...thinking those things/people will always be there...

Friday: 25 Jun 06

Feeling down when I stepped into office today...still coping with the breakup I guess...I'm mostly over it already...just that at moments the memories came back and caught me unawares...and then dragged my spirits down...or is it the memories dragging me down? Joined Ryan and gang at Union Square...whole ging-gang was there...even saw Jon and Gerald!! Was so happy to see familiar faces that I greeted Gerald warmly...dunno if he remembers me not...he seemed a little lost/taken aback/shy?? Ha...anywayz talked more with Roy...gosh he's really gorgeous...ha ha...he's really quite a funny guy too...hope he's dealing with his breakup well too...hope he can move on and be strong...like me...

Went to prata shop to have supper...more like dinner for me...sat opposite Roy...initially thought to sit elsewhere...God knows why I have to end up sitting opposite him...yeah yeah yeah...I know...he's gorgeous...but doesn't mean I have to be attracted?!! Anywayz...it was pretty ok sitting with the whole gang...with Jackie making jokes and teasing...oh and Joe and SM offered to pick me up...sigh...I really really have to be contented with good friends...only hope I can count on them as such...or maybe they have other thoughts in mind? Can't people do nice things for one another without some kinda motives??? But anywayz...not to say they're such...but nice of them to offer...really...declined cos it'd be too much of a trouble...but anyway Joe in the end didn't come cos it rained...

Saturday: 26 Jun 06

Supposed to swap with Jas...however last min she said no need...so proceeded with original plan...went back to Raymond to have my hair done...coloured it near to black...hadn't reckon on the colour being so dark...good in a way maybe...at least it doesn't look so dry...trimmed a little...but don't really like the cut...haiz...after that sis didn't go temple...so didn't meet with her and sista...felt very very lethargic...no mood to go anywhere...do anything...was kinda hanging there with no plans...damn xianz...went home...took a nap till 8pm...then 小姑 called...was downstairs with uncle and the babies...so went to join them for makan...and chatted with her...felt comfortable chatting with...felt my spirits lift after talking to her...made plans to meet Joe for drinks...asked sis to join us...he came over...all the way from Jurong!! Picked us girls up...joined him and the friends at Robertson Quay a nice little pub...where all the football fanatics were watching football...whiled the night away with drinks and pool and the gaming machine...

Sunday: 27 Jun 06

Rain!! Wet...gloomy...lazy morning...went to EC in the afternoon around 3+ after the rain stopped...met Pink there and had fun skating with her...but the inline kakis turnout that afternoon wasn't really fantastic...or were we late? Met Koh the 'Chief Coach'...ha ha...he skated along with us partway back...real nice guy!! Ended the skating session with makan session at Bedok 85!!! Ordered cockles...and 2 other types of shell food...wow...the guys were all like a pack of ravenous vultures...ha ha...in mins the food was all gone!! But it was fun though...to sit with them and eat and chit chat...and then it was home-sweet-home...great end to a fantastic day!!

Today

Felt a little down when I came home today...supposed to go down to EC...but wasn't decided...felt a little lazy to head all the way down...but sitting in front of the comp...made me feel the melancholy more and more...in the end just grabbed my stuffs and headed down to EC for a skate...enjoyed myself very much...took my mind off my sadness...though it wasn't really that cloying...unbearable sadness to begin with...just a tinge...but I hated it all the same...cos it wouldn't go away for good...anywayz...feeling really quite great now after a nite of skate!!

May You Be Blessed-Part 1

It feels like quite some time since my relationship dissolved, when in fact it has only been about a week or so. Been packing my weeknights and weekends with activities, so I won't have much time on my hand to think about it and then feel the sadness and pain. Don't think getting drunk is helpful...past 2-3 days I feel better already...although sometimes the memories come back and make me feel sad...right now even as I'm typing this...I'm feeling the sadness...a little...

Need to get involve in all kinda activities...and meet new people...I guess the only way to get over an old relationship is to start a new one...or get myself very busy...but to start a new relationship without fully letting go of the old one yet will be unfair to the new guy...well anyway...there's currently no one yet...though I do wish there is...

Went to the salsa club 2 nights ago with Ryan and Andrew...met Jackie...Raymond...and Roy!!! He didn't remember who I am I think...or my name...but he said I looked familiar...damn...not enough impression on him to remember me...anywayz after we got to talking...he remembered things about me!! And said that he heard I patched back with my bf...which got me to admitting that we have just broken up...and talking about it brought the pain back...I just started tearing...haiz...the sadness...he told me 5 months ago when I first met him...his relationship with his gf of 6 years had been ended for about 1-2 months already...and told me she found someone else...emm...not sure if he's over her already...pity if he hasn't...the ex-gf must've been very pretty...for Roy is not the average Joe-on-the-street...or even your slightly above average Joe-in-the-bar...ha ha...anywayz I think he's great to talk to...hopefully we can become friends...

Ryan taught me the basic steps of salsa and I danced with him as my partner...it was fun!! At least at that moment in time I forgot all my troubles and sadness...this was what I meant...I fell asleep that night exhausted but happy....felt happy and carefree the next day too...I think meeting up with friends is a good way to throw one's troubles away...though if they're pessimistic people might as well avoid them...

Confidence...and Courage

Been through so much ups and downs in the past 1 month...more than I have experienced in my life in probably the last 1 year...what else can it be attributed to but my relationship with Ben? Such a long and complicated issue...such bitter-and-sweet times we have been through...perhaps it was silly of me...but when I agreed to be together with him...I waited for him to bring up the matter of his religion...which he didn't...I hinted and stuffs...but still nothing from him...I should've think my hints were so obvious they should be like a red card flashing in his face...until finally I couldn't contain it...so I brought it up...before that I tried pulling away from him...but I felt so stressed up and so confused...because I felt that his not bringing it up was terribly unfair and secretive...not being very open about the whole situation...it put seeds of doubts in my mind about his integrity...I wondered would he have left it till the last minute when I was so involved I can neither reverse nor proceed...both ways would have left me in agony...so we talked at length...and he mentioned the conversion is only on paper...and after that we will be staying on our own and leading our own lives...or...if it really comes to it...he wouldn't mind the civil way...I was so happy and hopeful to hear that that I allowed the relationship to continue...and then early this week after a quarrel...I brought up the same issue again...and this time he said he couldn't do it the civil way...I was so upset and so hurt that I cried and cried...gawd my heart felt so tired having to deal with all these uncertain issues and his ever-changing mind...I queried him about it and he said his dad mentioned before that no matter what race he married...the girl must convert...and I was like...how come u have never said that before...and today when I spoke to him again I asked him...you have said before that you don't need to listen to what your parents said and that you lead your own life...you don't follow your religion...how come you cannot stand up for your own life? And he said he cannot run away from his identity becos that's what he is...a Muslim...and that yes...although his dad's wishes were such...it is him the issue lies in...cos ultimately he believed in his God...sigh...there were so many different versions to what he has said before and after that my mind cannot even process properly...and I asked him why is he in such haste to marry...and he said he don't know?!!! Gawd...I am really very very exasperated...this man wants to get married in a hurry...and he doesn't even know why? And he kept saying he doesn't have time...I tried to make him understand that a relationship cannot...should not...and must not be forced to hasten...speed will only rot it faster...sigh...honestly I think this man doesn't know what he wants...and he doesn't know how the situation will be like...but anyway...I see now that we can never be together...his religion now has taken a backseat...after all the considerations I realise that...even though I am not able to come to an immediate decision...there is a possibility that over a longer period of time...I may be able to consider it....but unfortunately...he doesn't have the time to invest in this relationship to strengthen its foundations....he doesn't want to waste time in this relationship when he thinks it won't lead to marriage...and yet in the first place he hid his real identity from me...thinking to try out the relationship...yet he obviously knew the end it will lead to...a conversion or nothing...isn't that such a contradiction?!!! Sigh...what a sad state of mind...it has become so much clearer to me that everytime we 'talked'...our views kept conflicting...our understanding runs parallel...never meeting...never understand each other....I guess this is the real reason why this relationship will not work out anymore...I guess trying to talk to each other further will only make us both more tired...

After today...I have regained a measure of my confidence and courage...although I guess it will take me a little longer to put everything totally behind me...I truly look forward to the day when I can be with someone who understands and who shares the same views and goals...someone who is patient and willing to give me time...

Inline Kakis BBQ@East Coast

Afternoon of 10th June 06, got ready my salad for the BBQ...hitched a ride with Thomas...by the time we reached the pit most of the gang was there already...boy are they enthus!! And then it had to rain??!!! But luckily the rain didn't last that long...had a great time...if not for the fact that I was in a state of confusion...at this time hadn't spoken to Ben for a few days already...couldn't bear not talking to him...so finally called him that night...but he was busy with his Indo counterparts...felt forlorn and isolated from him...

Tried as much as I could to enjoy...but I was only partly successful...anywayz...BBQ ended at around past midnight...was sooo tired by then...

So Much Confusion!!

Gawd...it's really killing me...all these thoughts in my head...and it's getting me nowhere but in circles...but I can't seem to stop them...all the doubts...where's the trust? The confidence? Is he supposed to make me feel secure? A feeling I should get just by being with him...associating with him? Isn't a guy suppose to make a girl feel that way? If not why talk about marriage???

So confused...really lost...dunno what to think...too many people with different views and different opinions...just why do I have all these unhealthy and errant thoughts? Maybe the shadow from my past's just too dense to be totally banished? Or is it fear? Huge huge fear of another LY with some other dark motives?

Sigh...sister said i'm not like what I used to be...I think so too...where's all my confidence gone to? Where's all my courage that whatever comes my way I'll be able to deal with it? Perhaps it's just not me...perhaps I'm in a relationship that doesn't suit me...maybe I'm just not suited to deal with probs like these...other things...maybe...or maybe I've never really been that confident at all...that everything was just a facade...

Sigh...feel as though more troubled times than happy times since I've been involved...or is it human nature to remember the bad times and the bad things?

Really...absolutely lost...can't see any light at all...don't even know what to do...to put more effort in or just get out...but getting out is said more easily than done...

Maybe I can just simply let this thing fade...and get on with my life...gawd...I'm so lost...even if I manage to sort out my jumbled thoughts...as long as I'm in this...after some time some other doubts will surface...at least that's what I feel...the trust and faith is not there at all...can't just ask me to trust blindly...isn't trust to be gained?

He called last night...and again this afternoon...hadn't wanted to answer his call last night...he asked me why...was I asleep? Initially I said yes...but decided no point in hiding my true thoughts...admitted I hadn't wanted to answer becos I was so so so confused...this is absolutely not the first time already...but sometimes his actions...his body language...made me feel so insecure...it's as if he's not an open and honest person at all...to me it's as if his body language suggests he's hiding something or not telling the whole truth...made me feel so uneasy...if you wanna hide something...why bother to tell me at all? Are you working to reassure me?

So tired...don't wanna think...don't wanna analyze...he doesn't bother to work harder to make me feel secure...doesn't bother to work hard to assure me that he can be trusted...so why am I here agonizing? So silly of me...

Could my intuition be telling me something? Like they said a woman's intuition is not to be taken lightly...