The insensitivity of humans, I definitely do not understand any of it. Just yesterday at work, while the group of us were discussing the location for a chill out, apparently baldie was making some joke to tomboy via Yahoo, and tomboy laughed and blurted out to me the joke. Of course, I am the butt of the joke. When I heard the joke, I totally lost it. It was a downright tasteless, insensitive and degrading joke. How can anyone, any girl stomach that kind of joke? Besides, I'm still recovering from my past relationship. I'm mostly ok, but that doesn't mean I don't sting from digs like these. The gall of it, it went straight to my heart like a sharp arrow, the point cutting deep. If words are swords, I'd be bleeding right there and then.
As it were, my tears flowed out before I could stop it. Another colleague, WP saw something was wrong and asked if I was ok. That undid me; the dams just burst and the tears came flowing out. I wonder if, at another time, I'd just scold baldie back in mock anger; I believe my wounds are still fairly fresh. And baldie, being the originator of such tasteless and low-class jokes, really overdid it this time.
Not only did I hurt, I was seething with anger. I was so angry the only thing I could think of was to hurt them back. It kept going around in my mind, the things I would have said to them, to put them down, to humiliate them, to insult them, to put them in their place, to teach them a lesson. Whatever. Nobody deserves to suffer another's mocking, in whatever form it takes.
Over the past two days, I alternated between wanting to seek revenge in the form of hitting back, of defending myself, and learning forgiveness; trying to forgive them. I kept telling myself that baldie didn't mean it, and that he always makes jokes in these manner. But that didn't make the hurt go away. Nope it didn't, everytime a concern friend asked me about it, the moment I mentioned it, tears started welling in my eyes again. Sigh...the later 1/2 of this week hadn't been a good week at all.
First D mentioned the friend who walked out on me, and that brought the hurt back. Talking to him brought tears into my eyes. I hated myself for having so much tears, but, the hurt was just there, and the hurt translated itself into tears. Much as I tried to stem the flow, it just didn't stop welling up.
And then after that I had to encounter this unfair and hurtful event. I was so angry that when J called this morning asking how I was, I told her outright I wanted an apology from those 2 Mon morning, face-to-face. If they did something like this, they should at least have the courage to apologise. Even if they don't, they should be made to.
I surmised that I hurt so easily lately is becos my wounds have not totally healed yet. I have not yet totally come back to myself, although on most occasions I thought I did. But events like these only showed me that just a little is enough to trip me up, at the moment. I hope that I can recover my equilibrium soon.
If I have enough time left on earth only for one more thing, I will want to learn forgiveness. I realised that forgiveness is the hardest thing to learn, but when really grasped, forgiveness frees oneself. It frees the person from hatred and anger and all things dark.
I do not forget easily, and I forgive less easily. But I do, eventually, forgive. Only it takes some time. I hope that one day, I can learn to forgive and forget.
Everything that happened, happened for a reason. Every choice made, leads to other possibilities.
~Not having everything you want is a blessing in disguise; if you already have everything you want, what else is there to live for?~
1 comment:
Yeah, it sure takes a long time before one can get over the wound.
Cry it out if you may need to or want to, nasty insensity colleagues are the last things you need but unless you are prepared to confront them and later draw a line, you would have to just pretend that you didn't hear anything from those BIG GAP morons. To people like them, treat them as though they are transparent, pointless to get angry or get even with them.
Hang on or hung up, it's your choice.
A better tomorrow is on the way.
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